Pretty routine right? Today=not so much. An unfavored discovery arose as I put on a shirt that just a few months ago fit just fine-nay, fit loosely OK, so I put this thing on, and realized the arm holes were to tight. I thought maybe it shrunk but then remembered that shirts don't shrink when you wash in cold/cold. That surely wasn't the answer.
Uh oh.
Next were the pants. The pants I had loved so much because they fit perfectly. I haven't seen these pants since maybe December. As I slip them on thinking they'd glide on with ease, I find slight trouble getting over the hips though I did get them on-not without my pants looking like high waters.
Shit.
Lets Back up a bit. Within the last 4.5 months things HAVE been hectic. I do internalize. We went from California to Miami, 2 jobs to One, Business being consistent to business being slow. Woe is me and all that jazz. There is no real excuse, just me, being highly sensitive to stress and my surroundings. It hasn't been fun for me though there have been many "ahhh" moments. Things haven't been horrible but this move etc etc has brought up a LOT of issues for me. And I will admit to the world, I compulsively overeat. I have become A food hoarder. It's been a major problem the last few months. It has been out of control, and disgusting, and it hasn't made me happy. I can not tell you exactly why stress makes me hungry. And when I say hungry, I mean emotionally hungry. I feel it, and succumb to a weakness because I just don't feel like dealing with it in a...big girl type of way.
Its been on my mind ever since this morning. I've carried it with me all day long, and the longer I think about it the more utterly PISSED I feel. Mad at myself for creating this extra work I just don't need. Mad for making myself feel like shit. I took a bath tonight after work and broke down. I kept thinking about how I would never let my kids do this to themselves, so why is it ok for me? It isn't. Through tears I decided to turn to God about this one. Begging Crying and Pleading for help, I opened up my sad heart and prayed for some guidance, for him to remind me that I deserve love. That I deserve happiness. I asked for him to let me feel his presence within myself, because I just don't think I can do this one on my own. Remember how I got this way?
With God's strength and courage in my heart, Today is the last day I want to feel like this about myself. When I feel weakness I will pray. When I feel that I may want to stuff the piehole to quell what ever I don't feel like dealing with, I will vow to rely on God to heal me and fill my hunger with love and strength.
Today is 4/14 I weighed in at 222. (gulp/barf)
My plan of attack is to eat in moderation. No real restrictions, just basically eat less, and find something to distract myself when I feel like I might want to sabotage myself. Maybe blog, or read or...I don't know, I will make a list of things to do instead. drink water or tea.
I also would really like to implement some sort of exercise regimen into my life. Swimming laps and doing cardio as well as weights for toning etc. I have to do this. I owe it to myself. I shouldn't be trying to squeeze blubber into size 18s. I shouldn't feel embarrassed and panicky about family coming over. I shouldn't have reservations about people seeing me. I deserve better, right?
3 comments:
You are a beautiful person Adrina! You deserve to feel good about yourself.
It sounds like you have a good plan going. Have you ever tried sparkpeople.com? I need to get back into it but I did lose 20lbs at one time using that site.
It sounds like you have a good plan. Remember that you are always beautiful(inside and out) no matter what size you are. Seriously, not everyone needs to be a size 4 or even 12.
Adrina, I love you!
I'm impressed with your determination and humility. I don't know if you were exactly looking for suggestions from anyone, but I have a couple....
Matt. 5:6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4-7 (Interestingly, when I went to look this last one up, it was the verse of the day on the website I was looking at...I think that was just for you.) This is something I totally need to do myself, but my suggestion is if you have a Bible, read it when you're looking for something to do to fill the anxiety void.
Thank you for being transparent about this...I know it's hard to do, and I applaude you for it!
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